Why This Blog Matters
In the Netflix docuseries Dying for Sex, a woman with terminal cancer leaves her marriage and embarks on a journey of self-discovery. But what stands out most is this: when she chooses who she wants by her side at the end of her life, she picks her best friend—not her husband.
That moment—deeply emotional and jarringly practical—echoes a powerful reality for many New Yorkers: your chosen family may know you best, but unless you’ve done the paperwork, they may have no legal standing to help you when it matters most.
This blog is for people who are married, unmarried, partnered, or somewhere in between—and want their wishes honored. You’ll walk away knowing exactly how a healthcare proxy in New York works and how it fits into a larger plan for end-of-life clarity and control.
What Happens If You Don’t Choose a Healthcare Proxy?
Without a healthcare proxy in place, New York law decides who gets to make decisions for you if you’re incapacitated. And that list often doesn’t reflect the reality of your life or relationships.
Default rules prioritize spouses, parents, or adult children, which means:
- A long-term partner may be shut out of the conversation.
- A best friend who knows your values better than your family may have no say.
- Decision-making may fall to someone you’re estranged from—or worse, someone who doesn’t share your beliefs.
These legal defaults can clash painfully with your emotional truth. As a New York Times columnist recently pointed out, end-of-life choices are deeply personal—and we owe it to ourselves to choose who we trust most, before someone else is forced to guess.
What Does a Healthcare Proxy in New York Actually Do?
A healthcare proxy is a legal document that gives someone you trust the authority to make medical decisions for you if you’re unable to communicate. It activates only when you’re incapacitated—and it remains one of the most critical pieces of your estate plan.
Here’s what your chosen proxy can do:
- Speak with doctors and advocate for the care you’d want
- Make decisions in complex or unexpected medical situations
- Access your records through HIPAA authorization
- Carry out your end-of-life preferences in real time
This tool is especially valuable for those with modern or nontraditional families. Whether your life partner isn’t your legal spouse or your go-to person isn’t a blood relative, a proxy puts your actual wishes ahead of outdated legal assumptions.
It’s important to pair a healthcare proxy with advance directives and smart legal planning for aging, including living wills and power of attorney documents, to ensure clarity across all fronts.
Can You Choose Someone Outside Your Family?
Yes—and in many cases, you should.
In NYC, it’s common for people to build support systems outside of traditional family structures. Your chosen proxy can be:
- A romantic partner you haven’t married
- A best friend
- An adult child
- A trusted neighbor or community member
Legally, New York will honor that choice—but only if it’s documented properly. Without a healthcare proxy, even a deeply intimate partner might find themselves unable to access your records, speak with your doctors, or help make urgent care decisions.
We see this especially often among women managing complex estate needs, or LGBTQ+ clients who have created families of choice.
What Else Should Be Part of Your Advance Care Plan?
While the healthcare proxy is central, it works best as part of a more complete plan that includes:
- A living will, which outlines your preferences for life-sustaining treatment
- A HIPAA release, giving your proxy access to medical information
- A power of attorney for financial and legal decisions
- Funeral preferences and organ donation directives
The point of these documents isn’t to prepare for worst-case scenarios—it’s to remove uncertainty from your care, so your loved ones aren’t forced to guess or argue.
Many clients come to us after seeing how chaotic it can be when families are left without guidance. We help put the right legal protections in place so that when life doesn’t go as planned, your people know exactly what to do—and have the authority to do it.
FAQs
Can I have multiple healthcare proxies?
You can name alternates, but only one person can act at a time in New York. Choose someone who understands your values and can handle medical decision-making under pressure.
Does a healthcare proxy override my spouse?
Yes—if you name someone other than your spouse, they’ll have legal priority when the proxy is activated. It’s a powerful tool for defining who you trust most.
Is a healthcare proxy enough on its own?
It’s a strong start, but we recommend it be part of a comprehensive estate plan that includes financial and digital protections as well.
Ready to Put the Right People in Charge?
Schedule a strategy session with The Village Law Firm to create a legally sound healthcare proxy in New York—so the people who know you best can support you when it matters most.
